My firsts....Visits

The first several days were by far the hardest for me. I found myself crying often, looking for her in the house, noting that there were certain things we did not have to do anymore. Like I've said, She was..my..everything. my..girl.


The first time I headed downstairs in the morning, I found myself looking into the living room to where she would have been. I avoided the mat by the sink while I was cooking because that's where she always sat in the kitchen. I felt cold sitting on the couch since she was no longer there to lean against me. It felt strange not having to make myself available at certain times of the day to let her outside. We no longer had to rush outside to bring the meat containers into the outside trash barrels since the smell wouldn't be driving her nuts. Meal times felt silent compared to recent months of her barking at us for meat scraps. It feels different and foreign when Nik goes to bed to just be Me, Bill and our cat again in the living room, just like how it started.


Monday October 3 felt like the ultimate test for me. This would be the day that Bill works in the city and Nik would be at school. I no longer had her home to keep me company while the rest of my family was out of the house. I guess I never realized how much she FILLED my life until she wasn't here anymore. She was the greatest companion. I have realized how often I would talk to her especially when she was the only one around. Going upstairs to be with the cat just didn't feel natural. I am not his person. I feel like I am introducing myself to him again all these years later even though we've had him 12 years..


So far there have been 3 or 4 encounters worth noting. Nik had told me that a few hours after she passed, he looked over to the love seat and saw her sitting over there. I have read that children and the very elderly population are closer connected to spirits..I didn't doubt it at all that he saw her. I hoped that maybe I would get to have a moment with my girl.


That Monday I was just sharing with you started off with a moment..It was around 4-5am when I felt like there was something on my bed resting on my feet. It was similar to the amount of weight I may feel from our cat. I kept thinking to myself how strange that sensation was..I eventually fell asleep and awoke up at 7am to the sound of a yelp similar to one of her quieter morning yelps downstairs. I scanned the room and the backyard to figure out what the sound was. Nothing made sense. I feel it was her comforting me to know that she would still be there for me on the days I'm "home alone" especially that first day and also maybe to wake me up because I was definitely sleeping in later than I should have...


As you may have read, I mentioned the wood pecker that was pecking away at our house getting me to have a closer look at Bella helping me make a move in getting her to peace quicker. 1 week later after she passed, at exactly the same time she passed, I heard the woodpecker while I was on the phone with my mom. It was just NON STOP to the point I could hardly continue a conversation on the phone. My mom told me the next day after that phone call that there was a wood pecker at HER house a day or so before we visited this weekend. She had looked up the significance..I'm surprised I hadn't actually. She told me how a woodpecker is associated with spiritual healing.


Just this morning...I was having my pregnancy insomnia again (d'oh!!) and finally was able to fall back asleep around 4am? I ended up having a dream that I was in the playroom sitting on the couch enjoying a sun lit room like I always do. Bella jumped onto the love seat and settled next to me just like she would near the end of her life, leaning into me because of my bigger belly. I cried out with joy because she looked SOOO young with more of the black fur, no white on her face..She looked healthy and happy. I rubbed her back and told her how amazing she looked..I was just so happy to see her again because I knew that she had passed in the dream! It was...incredible. This actually brought me to tears again after having a good 4-5 days without tears.


With all this, I believe she will always be watching over us.


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