Tour 2-the return

Sept 2019-2020

I can't tell you how many times people think when a soldier returns, that life will just immediately go back to what life was like before. It doesn't. We both spent a year apart from each other living separate lives. Then it's time to learn how to live a new life together.

We were so happy to be reunited though. Nik was a little over 3 years old, seemed like a completely different child to Bill. I had the physical "scars" that would resurface all while learning to adjust to letting someone IN to parent and live with. I was essentially able to parent HOWEVER the heck I wanted and believed without really having to consult with anyone. Bill was not always available to me.

Even though he was home...I was still living in a single mom survival mode for many months. One day in late October, Bill finally said, "Diana. I am here. I am here now. You don't have to do everything. Let me in." I had to let go. He had to learn how to adjust parenting to an older child after being away almost a year. We finally had to see if our values were in line. It was an adjustment for us both.

I also wanted to enjoy LIFE with him as a family. We went to fall festivals, pumpkin picking, parties, the children's museum, North Conway and had many future plans to make up for lost time. Starting to try to conceive (TTC) was out of our radar at that point. We were catching up for lost time and healing old wounds which is very important to do before bringing a child into the world, I believe.

Then in March 2020, life for us changed like it had for many. The uncertainty of what the disease was felt scary to me at times. It was frustrating to deal with this because we had more plans of day trips and Disney to do to make up for the year away. I decided to focus on my business and my physical health. I ended up having the BEST year of my professional life ever. I was BUSY. I was more efficient by switching to online training and therefore having more time to myself since I was no longer traveling house to house. I was HAPPY. I was also beginning a new zumba journey. I was feeling healthier than ever. I at times felt guilty for feeling so HAPPY when I knew so many were depressed/anxious because of life with Covid.

Eventually we were casually trying to conceive, with no such luck and that was ok. I was starting to accept one just might be it.. However, I must admit the comments from everyone else were really starting to wear on me. There was always a reminder that we had an only child. An awkward pause when I told strangers I had one child who was 4-4.5yo. In a world full of families with 2 or 3 kids, having an only child seemed to have a negative view/vibe by others. Almost similar to the judgment you may get for not having any children..You just don't have "ENOUGH" Children... I can't really describe it...

And then it was almost like I was being questioned for why I only had 1 child which is not something I wanted to dive into for many reasons. While it came so easily for others or on accident, for me It wasn't so easy...and it always had to feel like right timing based on what was going on in our life. I always had a THOUGHT about what we were doing. There were times I felt extreme comfort for FINDING the very few families who only had 1 child. It's like we were part of a club not many people truly understood. We silently understood how each other may have been feeling.. and did not dare to ask "Are you going to have another?" It was just...oddly..comforting..

So anyway, Life was really good once Bill and I finally settled back in together..

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