Tour 2-Loss part 1

So I am officially pregnant. It wasn't exactly the easiest road to get here..I actually need to back track about 5 years. I'll break it up into Tour 2 and the current Tour 3. These tours always seem to be defining points in our life..So I tend to break it up this way in my head. I want to be real with you.

PRE TOUR 2 (2017- Trigger warning: Loss)

We found out I was pregnant initially when Nikolas was about 15 months old. I found out at 3w 1d. We had barely even tried...I didn't think it would happen so fast. We were going to have 2 under 2 with about the same due date. I could not believe it. I was feeling nervous at that time but starting to imagine my life with 2 young kids. I was very excited. I told a couple of close friends. I bought a shirt for Nikolas that would be used for an announcement, "Big Brother".

Until suddenly, I wasn't.

I was about 6.5 weeks along, late October. I had been making all the changes to my life where needed..No alcohol. Less Caffeine. Continue exercise as always. I will never forget..I was pushing myself through a workout, just like I had done while pregnant with Nikolas. I was lifting heavy in those days so I was following the recommendations: You can do as you were doing before, your body is used to it. Just listen to the clues your body gives you. I felt a weird sensation..Oh, I thought to myself, It must be those normal pregnancy pains that I got with Nik. I took a break..and continued on because I felt better. In fact, I felt incredibly strong. I was having a really good workout. Then I decided I would take my dog out for a walk just like we were in the routine of doing, when I felt a gush.

I came back home immediately because that gush did not feel right. I had never had anything like that with my prior pregnancy. Sure enough..there it began. I called the doctor and was told it can be normal to spot, to hydrate and rest that's what I did.

Eventually I just knew this would not work out. I called my mom begging her to take time from work to be with me. You see, Bill was away, out of state, for training for about 1 month. Of course. I can't tell you how many times something bad happens when he is away. This was one of the worst scenarios since we started dating back in 2007. *sigh*. My mom was still working at the time and didn't have any time left by the end of the year to use and luckily was able to drive the 2 hours to be with me to help out on Halloween night. She had no idea I was even pregnant..I could tell she was happy for a moment, but then realized how tragic this was instead. I did not know what to expect..I then called Bill up, left a voicemail, crying and apologizing to him for what was going on..It was as if I immediately took the fault for it. Trauma will do that to a person. Interesting how that happens. Eventually, hours later he was finally able to talk to me a little bit.

The next morning, I carefully brought Nik to his day care for a half day. It was Halloween. Oh how exciting it would be to wear his Monkey costume. He would have a normal day while I was losing my pregnancy. It was crazy how things lined up. Literally, every client of mine canceled that morning. It was like I was meant to have the day to myself without canceling on THEM. Side note: I don't cancel very often..But would have to for this. They beat me to it.

As the morning went on, I could feel all the back pain. It truly felt like giving birth and lasted awhile on and off..I texted my day care lady asking if she would be able to keep him the rest of the day.. I didn't want to have to go through this with him nearby. How would I even be able to take care of him at the same time? I hesitantly told her what was going on. She said how sorry she was..and of course she would keep him there with her at no extra charge. So I spent the afternoon lying there completely uncomfortable waiting for my Mom to eventually be able to make her way to me. Looking back, I am glad I went through it alone..I was extremely grateful for her support AFTER.

It was Halloween afterall! I somehow managed to get myself together and take Nik door to door on our street to give him a fun night and to keep my mind on something else. Little did anyone know what I was dealing with at that moment. There is a lot of truth when people say, "you truly have no idea what people are going through." When my mom put him to bed, we talked and hugged. It was helpful.

Time eventually went on. My body and emotional health felt off..FOR MONTHS. I did not feel READY to try again for a baby...until almost January. But then suddenly, we got official word that Bill would be going on Tour 2 in about 10 months. My heart sank. I knew deep down with all that I am that I did not want to have a baby and raise one by myself. I also felt incredibly CRUSHED with the sacrifice I was about to make to put my dream of having a second child on hold......

You could say that I had some signs of depression only with my personal life. Professionally, I LOVED what I did and the people I got to train. So I was always happy there...But when I got home, I stopped caring about my health as much because of the loss and the sacrifice I would be making which seemed like the best thing for us, but the not what I wanted. I'd battle between feeling like a hypocrite for not being so healthy..I would have to remind myself that these are serious life events and I am human. I would need time to get through. Nothing is permanent. Suddenly, I found myself grazing in the pantry and reaching for ice cream which is not a typical habit. But it is a habit I had spent many years observing my father! As time went on, I started gaining weight...which again, was not typical for me.

I had stress and worry about Bill's 2nd tour to handle as well. My what is usually PERFECT blood pressure started climbing up (170 over 95 instead of 120/60)...again, not typical of me whatsoever. I knew I had to do something because my normally calm mood was starting to shift to frequent bouts of tears and anger. Eventually, I tried the therapy route. I loved it. To have someone you can talk to without any judgment was the most rewarding experience. We would set goals to help with getting a plan in place for handling the tour. The main one was hiring help so I could continue to do the things I always do and not have to give up some of what I love..The reality is we don't have family exactly nearby. Nor do I have tons of friends since I am self employed and don't want to blur lines too much with clients. Hiring help felt like the move I should make to keep life somewhat normal for ME.

Sometimes what you plan for is not what you get. A month before Bill would be leaving, the girl we hired to help during his tour QUIT. I was devastated and back to plan A before we even would begin this journey. I would have to learn to adapt and listen to what I truly need. Your mind and body give you clues...

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