Updated: Aug 17
So mostly everyone that we see in our day to day life now know that my husband will be going on another tour.
When I got the official word, I immediately was angry. He had just hit his 2 year mark of being home. How could he be getting ready to go away AGAIN? I balled my eyes out. Would this affect the possibility of having another child? It was a hard no for me the last time to NOT have a child while he was away..and it killed me to wait until I was older..What if it NEVER happens? Once again, country first. Our family next. That's how it felt.
We learned the end of last summer the news and chose to keep it to ourselves for many many months in hopes of not worrying everyone. After all, this would have the greatest impact on HIM...and Me and Nikolas. Our lives will be completely changing. Extended family and friends won't feel it nearly as much.
I focus on practicing the PAUSE method anytime I find myself getting emotional. With this...I cried in front of him and then went upstairs to be alone. It may have taken a few days until I finally processed the news and became less angry about it. It is what it is. We knew he would have another one before he retires...it just completely caught us off guard since it would happen a little over 3 years since he got home.
It's been almost a year of thinking about how I would handle things differently. I must say that compared to the first 2 tours, I find myself feeling relatively calm about this one. I have the experience. I have learned what worked, what didn't, what I need and what I want for this one. I will 100% support him. I am fortunate that I am such a strong woman and can endure this. I feel like my strong focus on self care is what has held me together. Here we are months away and I feel OK.
Bill was promoted to a higher, more demanding role. I know he is the perfect man for the job. I know it weighs on his mind the impact it has had on us. Recently we were trying to go out to dinner before he went away for two weeks...He had so many phone calls that started to delay our last night out together. I could tell he was upset for "letting us down". I observe that spending time away from Nik really makes him sad, even if he doesn't say it..I, of course, did what I always do best: I made the best of it. Instead of waiting in the car with him, I took Nik inside and got us a table so he did not feel like he was keeping us waiting.
So anyway--I want TRUE relationships and absolute promises. No more broken promises/empty support for us. I will be looking to let in a village of people instead of hiring for help. I found hiring help to be the most stressful part of the last tour due to the major expense and unreliability factors. It was not worth it. However, I need to be better about letting people offer help and making sure they stick to it. I am certainly going to need it. I know that I need to try to live my life as normal as possible. I can't have more taken from me. I also want people to share time with us. I had never felt lonely until the last tour either. It was one of the worst feelings I had ever felt in my entire life. I strive to help other people not feel like that. I will ask for help.